Calling, A.K.A.: Vocation

     I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm going to graduate from college in May with a BA in Mathematics and a minor in Theology, having very little in the way of life plans. 'The Plan' at this point is to come home to Eugene, get a job and an apartment, and spend a year or so just living life, then start applying to graduate schools (possibly seminaries? That would certainly be interesting…)

     The fact I have a plan, though, doesn't mean I know what I'm doing with my life. It's weird.

     The question that has been posed to me almost constantly for the last few months by those who know me best is this: "What do you want to do?" and the follow up question: "How are you going to do it?"

     The first question is easy enough. What I want to do is be there for people. It's just the way I am. If I see someone hurting, I want to know what's going on. I want to know how to make them feel better. I want to know how to make them actually be better. I want to be a conduit for God's comfort.

     So, since I am a Christian, since I do believe that the only true comfort comes from God, which leaves one rather obvious answer for the second question: become a pastor.

     The biggest problem I have with this option is that I just don't feel like I'm good enough. Theologically and practically, I can look around and say that nobody is, and I'm as good a candidate as the next guy. Maybe better, since I actually enjoy pastoring. I also don't like preaching, though I suppose I'm capable enough. It is a terrifying experience, far more so than any other style of public speaking, and I don't like being terrified.

     Why is preaching terrifying? Well, for one thing, it's supposed to be. If you don't get nervous while teaching people about the word of God there's something wrong. There's even Biblical support for nervousness in teaching: "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." (James 3:1) and "but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea." (Matthew 18:6)

     Then again, as Ernest Hemingway said, "the shortest answer is doing the thing." I'm no Hemmingway (obviously), but I think I have to take his advice here. How will I know if ministry is right for me? Do it. I have the ability to do so, and so I shall.

     Pastoral care is what I want to do, and the ministry is my vehicle. Skill at preaching will come, but I pray that comfort never will.