A Prayer

   I just don’t know Lord. You are my father,
my Great Father, He Who Is
adored.
    How can I worship You?
    How can I show my face to You?
    The sacrifice of your Son is the Justifying act that changed the world. It is enough. Help me to see. Convict me of my sin, rend me, envelope me in a fire that burns away my impurity, that putrid stuff I want to cling to. Help to to hate that sin I now love. Turn my desire for the slime and crud and dirt and mud that pervades my all into a desire to be more like You. As the Psalmist said, “Wash me, make me Pure within.”
    Make my desire for You overwhelming. Bring me back to You, away from the place I was before. Bring me out of my shame and into Your light. Help me defeat my shame, not by dwelling upon my sin, but by dwelling within Your Son. I know Your love is greater than all my sin, Help me to know. I cry out with the words of the father from the Gospel of Mark: “I believe! Help me in my unbelief!”
    Make me know You more.

amen

Revised Essay

As you know if you read the first draft of my essay (posted about a week ago) i am not an exceptionally good writer, at least not when it comes to working from an outline. Thankfully, I do have friends (and a lovely young woman) who are willing give me the badly-needed help required to improve the debacle that was my first draft. here's Draft number 2. It may be a final draft, those due dates are starting to loom large...

   Ever since reading Norman Maclean’s novel A River Runs Through It, I have been struck by the parallels between my family and the Macleans. Change the location from Montana to Oregon, and turn the clock forward 100 years, and it could be my own family. In the Maclean family, the father is respected, the brothers are often at odds, and the mother is loved above all else. In my family, my father is a Ruling Elder at our church, my relationship with my brother has long been characterized by tension (though we are closer now than we were in the past) and my mother grants adoration far more generously than we can properly repay.

   The eldest Maclean, Norman’s father, is an officer of the Presbyterian church and is often “anxious to be on the hills, where he could restore his soul and be filled again to overflowing.”# My father shares this trait with the elder Maclean, and I have inherited it from him. My father and I enjoy people, but when we need to be refreshed emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually, we tend to separate from the crowds and end up out in the wild lands.

   The younger son in the Maclean family is marked by stubbornness and personal drive that exceeds that of the Scottish Presbyterian minister who is his father. My younger brother and my father often, to put it politely, butt heads when in contact for a long period of time. Both of them can be characterized by a powerfully driven, type-A personality; they desire to control the circumstances of their own life and the lives of others around them. While the years have softened the edges of my father’s severe nature, my brother, at the age of 20, is still considerably headstrong.

   The mother Maclean is the center of the family, the rock the sons look to, the one the father loves dearly, the character who remains almost unchanging throughout the story. Kind, loving, eminently patient, she is an idealized mother spelled out on paper and clad in a short, slender frame. What can I say about my mother? She is there for us when we need her, and is the center of our family. Reminding us that when we want to take a hike, it really might be best to take along some water. when we want to go fishing, life jackets are a good idea. she keeps us from forgetting those simple little things that make everyday life easier and more enjoyable.

   There is one more character in the Maclean family: Norman himself. The elder brother. The more introverted one. The one who, though there are differences in opinion, loves his brother and father, who is laid back to the point that he is able to accept most anyone as long as they are genuine. The one who has his faults -he is a people-pleaser, often to his own detriment- but he is still a kind and likable guy. This is almost exactly like me. Hello, my name is Thomas Pendell, and I would like to enter your program for the Master of the Arts in Counseling.

   “When and how [did I become] a Christian.” My conversion story is rather simple; I was born into the church and God answered the prayer of my parents and never let me know a day apart from Him. My entire life has been an answer to prayer. Do I  think I’m perfect? By no means. I have had my struggles, but through all of them I have always been able to reach towards the comforting arms of Christ and the support of the church around me. My struggles have mostly been private ones, but when I was able to share, the support I received from the session was undeniable and incredibly strengthening. Yes, this does make it harder for me to relate to some people, those who have lived a wild and raucous party life for example, but at the same time, it will help me relate to those who have grown up in the church. There is certainly a place for the minister who was drawn out of a drug-induced haze into the loving arms of Christ, but there is also a place for those raised within the church like me.

   The story of how I decided to pursue a career in ministry has to begin in high school. I was a shy and reserved kid. I would take the corner chair whenever possible, and my level of interaction with people was minimal. It was in my sophomore year that I joined the theatre department, giving them a new person to fill the role of ‘quietest person.’ I’m not certain how much of my development was due to experience in the theatre and how much was due to simple aging, but one way or another, I was far from shy by the time I became a senior. I had become comfortable with the circle of people around the theatre. It was time to expand my social landscape beyond high school.

   I continued to grow as an extrovert in my first year of college, but was slowed somewhat by the field of study I was pursuing. I was working on an engineering degree, which is not conducive to the development of social skills; lots of time spent inside among nerds (I certainly fit this category) who were nice enough but quiet. God’s designs, however, placed me in a university with a wide variety of general education requirements, including courses in philosophy, history, and theology. What I found in taking these classes was a budding interest in the humanities. I subsequently ignored this interest until my junior year. That year, two things happened to change the course of my academic career. The first event was an engineering course. I came into it having never failed a class before, and rarely having been even close. On my first exam I received a score of 59%, the highest test grade I would receive all semester.

   The second event was another class, this one a theology class titled “Introduction to the Christian Faith.” It was fascinating. Reading such classics as Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, and Tozer’s the pursuit of God gave me my first real taste of the Christian literature I had long meant to read, but had never seemed to find the time for. The literature got me thinking in ways I never had before (the point of all good writing, I suppose) and I loved it.

   The frustration I faced in my struggle in the engineering class, combined with the joy I found in both that first well-taught and well-read theology class and the ones to follow, and my experiences the following summer as an intern at my home church led me to believe God was calling me away from a life in physics to pursue a career in ministry. Before that summer I had been wallowing in near stagnation. Since then I have been growing in my faith in a manner much more consistent with the way I should. Rather than simply accepting what I am told, I am actively pursuing the Biblical foundations of reformed theology.  I am trying to pray more, though not having an active prayer life in the past, it is something I still struggle with. I read, oh do I read. Timothy Keller and C.S. Lewis (beyond Narnia) and Brian Williams and Paul Miller. These are the men who’s words I read on a regular basis now, where previously I read them only occasionally.

  The classes were what planted the seed in my mind, but interning at my home church in Eugene during the summer of 2010 watered that seed with a fire hose. I read a fair amount of theology and had a lot of fascinating discussions with my pastors. I also prepared and delivered two sermons; one on the importance of diversity in evangelism, based in John 4, and one on the importance of faith over works, based in Galatians 3. My favorite part was leading the annual church campout. 40 people, seven campsites, the Metolius river, bacon over a campfire, homemade chili, and four days (three nights) of good conversation with friends in one of the most beautiful parts of God’s creation. Those mornings when I was up before the sun building a fire and making coffee helped me to understand what it meant to be a servant leader, that those whom i have looked to as good leaders have always been those ready to help the led. This realization has become a part of my vision for ministry. The Bible calls us to be servant leaders, but the practical aspects of that are often lost in today’s world. people -including, and perhaps especially ministers- get caught up in the hectic pace of life, and need to be reminded of why they are there.

  As far as discipling, most of my relationships with friends have become discipling relationships. Whether my friends are Christian or not, I have often become the person they seek out for advice or comfort when facing a difficult challenge in their lives. This is becoming less of a role as I leave my undergraduate career behind and move to a place more geographically distant, but I still get the occasional text or email. I think this may be where I do my best evangelism, as well. Friendship evangelism is difficult, but it is the best way to reach others. People have to be respected before they can be converted, and they cannot be viewed simply as ‘projects.’ They do not respect a random person on the street who tells them they must repent, but a friend telling them they should take a look at this Jesus guy will at least get them thinking.

   My home church needs another person to fill a void between the two pastors currently on staff. The senior pastor is an excellent communicator, but is often more straightforward than might be best at certain times. The associate pastor is much more soft spoken and has a better feel for the emotional aspects of a given situation, but has trouble couching his words in such a way as to avoid insulting people, and while the Word of God can be offensive to some, it needs to be clear the truth of the Word is shining through rather than what seems to be the opinion of the man speaking. Both of these men have helped figure some things out in my life, but I am a better communicator than my associate pastor and better at being sensitive to the emotional needs of people than my senior pastor. I fill the void.

There is another paragraph with which this essay ends, but it deals with how I intend to pay for an education at CTS, and quite frankly, I think information of that nature should not be bandied about the internet.

Bad Poetry

    It has been another week, and as I sit here listening to a reading of E.A. Poe’s The Raven as read by James Earl Jones (you know you’re jealous,) I ponder the things of life and digest the delicious dinner recently consumed, wait for a text from my lovely girlfriend informing me she has finished her homework and is ready to resume the revisions of my essay, relaxing in my sweats and preparing for sleep. It is getting late, you know, and I have work early in the morning. I know not what mood I’m in, I ponder, so, I think I must be pensive.

‘Tis The Raven, I am sure,
as the raven sits upon a bust upon the frame of chamber door.
The po’m has ended,
but I still sit,
pensive now to try my wit,
as I verse and curse and poem
to the people (I don’t know them)
sitting waiting to read this entry,
still and silent, standing sentry
for my writing to the gentry,
as it loads on blog’s dark shore.
it is poetry, nothing more.

    Perhaps instead of ‘pensive’  I should have said ‘inspired to write bad poetry.’ Whatever.

    My essay is coming along, slow but sure. It really does need to come along more quickly. As mentioned in my previous entry, the deadline for financial adi applications is April 15, so I really need to finish this thing soon. My problem is, writing has never been a strong suit of mine. Not writing in a formal manner, I mean. I am much better with a short piece on the life of a mayfly, the sight of a river, or the sunset over the mountain. Short, descriptive essays rich in imagery and rife with poetic language. I think I’ll put one of those up soon. My short essay about a winter storm, I think, will do.
    Wow. It seems I am doomed to wax poetic this evening. I shall not subject you to anymore of this. Here’s a link to a site with celebrities reading poetry. Follow it. Enjoy it.

http://speakcelebrity.tumblr.com/

if you're following me, then you've asked for it.

    Well, I said I was going to try and get these written weekly. I think this one’s a little late, but oh well. This is the evening of Superbowl Sunday (fantastic game it was, too) and I am working, once again, on the application essay for seminary. I did some research over the last week, and I have to submit any financial aid information by April 15, so I should probably make sure I can actually get in before that point, eh? Anyway, it’s starting to come together in a rough sense. I am not proud of it, but then, how much can I expect from a first draft? I did usually turn in first drafts in while I was in school, but then I was usually satisfied with them; not so much here. Being good at train-of-thought writing hurts me with this sort of essay. The essay is essentially outlined by the questions I have to answer for the admissions folks, and I was able to come up with a decent outline, but the transmission of outline to essay is one I have never figure out. I ended up scrapping the whole outline and starting over. So, here is my unfinished product. Please feel free to leave opinions in the comments (if they’re short) or to message me on facebook or email me at “tpendell11@my.whitworth.edu” with longer comments.


It is a difficult task I have been put to, writing a decent essay from a series of bullet point questions. Family, faith, future, finances, all of these are great subjects to write about, but stringing them together is quite a demanding proposition.
   Let’s start with family. In Norman Maclean’s novel A River Runs Through it, we read the story of a family in Montana, where the father is respected, the mother is loved, and the brothers are… often at odds, shall we say. Also in the book, we find the father an officer of the Presbyterian church who was often “anxious to be on the hills, where he could restore his soul and be filled again to overflowing.” My father shares this trait with the elder Maclean, and I have inherited it from him. The younger son in the Maclean family is marked by stubbornness and personal drive that exceeds that of his Scottish Presbyterian minister father. My younger brother and my father often, to put it politely, but heads when in contact with one another for a long period of time. Both of them can be characterized by a powerfully driven, type-A personality. A desire to control the circumstances of both their own life and the lives of other around them, and while the years have softened my father’s starkness, my brother, at the age of 20, is still considerably willful. The center of the Maclean family, the rock which both of the sons look to, which the father loves dearly, and which remains almost unchanging throughout the story is the Mrs. Maclean. Kind, loving, eminently patient, she is an idealized mother spelled out on paper and clad in a short and slender frame. Change to location from Montana to Oregon, and turn the clock forward 100 years, and this could be my own family. There is one more character in the Maclean family, Norman himself. The elder brother. The more introverted one. The one who, though there are differences in opinion, loves his brother and his father, who is laid back to the point that he is able to accept most anyone as long as they are genuine. He has his faults as well, he is a people-pleaser, often to his own detriment, but he is still a kind and likeable guy. Hello, my name is Thomas Pendell, and I would like to enter your program for the Master of the Arts in Counseling.
   Unfortunately for both you the reader and, I the writer, my skill as a wordsmith falls far short of that with which Mr. Maclean plied his pen. Also, I lack several decades from the life Maclean drew his stories from. What I can do is answer your questions, even if your prompt for the application essay contains one of my least favorite questions: “when and how [did] you [become] a Christian.” The reason for my dislike for this question arises from my dislike to disappoint. My conversion story is rather simple. I was born into the church and God never let me walked away. The story of how I decided to pursue a career in ministry is far more entertaining. My story would have to begin in high school. I was a shy and reserved kid. I would take the corner chair whenever possible, and my level of interaction with people was minimal. It was in my sophomore year that I became the quietest person in the theatre department. I’m not certain how much of my development was due to experience in the theatre and how much was due to simple aging, but one way or another, I was far from shy as a senior. I had become comfortable with the circle of people around the theatre. It was time to expand my social landscape beyond high school.
   I was understandably more outgoing in my first year at college, but at the same time I was working on an engineering degree, which is not conducive to the development of social skills. Lots of time spent inside among others who were nice enough but quiet. God’s designs, however, placed me in a university with a wide variety of general education requirements, including courses in philosophy, history, and theology. What I found in taking these classes was a budding interest in the humanities. I subsequently ignored this interest until my junior year. Junior year, 2 things happened which changed the course of my academic career: the first, was a theology class titled “Introduction to the Christian Faith.” It was fascinating. Reading such classics as Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, and Tozer’s the pursuit of God gave me my first real taste of the Christian literature I had long meant to read, but had never seemed to find the time for.
   The second event was another class, this one an engineering course. I came into it having never failed a class before, and rarely having been even close. My first exam, I received a score of 59%, the highest test grade I would receive all semester. The frustration I faced in my struggle in the engineering class, combined with the joy I found in a well-taught and well-read theology class, and my experiences the following summer as an intern at my home church led me to believe God was calling me away from a life in physics to pursue a career in ministry. Since that summer, I have been growing in my faith well, in a manner much more consistent with the way I should be growing. It is not something I realized before, but until that year, I was stagnating in my faith. I was a Christian, but I was not growing as I should.
   The classes were what planted the seed in my mind, but the summer of 2010 watered that seed with a fire hose. The summer of 2010, I worked as an intern at my home church in Eugene. I read e fair amount of theology, had a lot of fascinating discussions with the pastors, and prepared and delivered two sermons. Also, my favorite part, I was the leader of the annual church campout. 40 people, 7 campsites, the Metolius river, bacon over a campfire, homemade chili, and 4 days (3 nights) of good conversation with friends in one of the most beautiful parts of God’s creation.
  As far as discipling, most of my relationships with friends have become discipling relationships. Whether my friends are Christian or not, I have often become the person they come to when they are facing a difficult challenge in their lives, whether seeking advice or simply comfort. This has become less of a role as I have left college, but I still get occasional texts or emails. I think this may be where I do my best evangelism too. Friendship evangelism is difficult, but it is the best may to reach people in today’s America. People have to be respected before they can be converted, and they cannot be viewed simply as ‘projects.’
   As I am applying to the Master of Arts in Counseling program, there are more questions to answer. What is the connection between theology and psychology? I believe the Bible speaks to the whole person, and as such, speaks to the mind as much as the heart and soul. it is stated in the Westminster Catechism, man’s purpose is to glorify God with all of his heart, soul, mind, and strength. As this is a prerogative of Christianity, it is something the Bible speaks to. In Christ, we find a truth that should comfort and counsel us no matter what our life is like, and it is finding how that connection can be made that has to form the foundation of Christian counseling. As my pastor would say, “your opinion doesn’t help anyone, it’s the truth of the Bible that matters.” Unfortunately, my knowledge of Biblical support for people is not encyclopedic. I need guidance myself to find the connections between Biblical text and peoples’ situations.
   You want to know how I plan to help the ministry of my home church. I believe I will fill a void between the two pastors currently on staff. the Senior pastor is an excellent communicator, but is often more straightforward than might be best in certain situations. The Associate pastor is much more soft spoken, but has trouble couching his words in such a way as to avoid insulting people, and while the Word of God can be offensive to some, it needs to be the truth of Word that shines through rather than what seems to be the opinion of the man speaking them. Clarity, that’s the word I’m looking for. I’m not trying to be insulting or degrading to either of these men. Both have helped figure somethings out in my life. But I think I am a better communicator than [associate pastor] and better at being sensitive to the emotional needs of people than [senior pastor]. Ideally, I would not be at my home church long after seminary. my dream is to work in Eastern Washington, Eastern Oregon, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, or Southeast Alaska, and it is my hope God would see me called there.
   So, here I am. What is your verdict?